Flight of the Strawbrarians

I know I shouldn't have but I read my kid's diary. She's been distant... uncommunicative so I justified reading her diary. I get the feeling that when I break it to her that I have she'll be displeased.

My wife and I have been struggling to maintain our mortgage. She's a homemaker who makes money when she's not being mom full time. I recently lost my job at the Strawbrary. Yeah... I'm a Strawbrarian. At least I was. And yes, I can speak Layperson. We began to encourage our daughter to write in a diary when she showed distress and distance at another night without dessert. This is an excerpt from her third entry.

"Daddy's mad. He's a strawbaryan and he's running out of strawbarys. Mom's quiet at the table now. Dinner's hard. He is mad. He can't tell people which strawbarys there eating anymore. They look all the same."

I'll call this my diary. I'll keep you updated with the plight of the Strawbrarians. Good Luck out there peoples.

The Monies of America

Have you ever been so tired of a word that every time you hear it you have the urge to crash your car into a bus full of autistic children? Me too American, me too. "Economy," a word so broad it can be placed in virtually every sentence. Including sentences in which the speaker doesn't understand what he/she is saying, or doesn't care to articulate to any degree beyond absolutely vague. I decree that we delete that word from the English Language and replace it with "the monies of ..." Therefore, the American economy is "the monies of America," and the worldwide financial economy is simply "the monies." I also stipulate that using "the" may be interchangeably used with "da" when one isn't sure where the monies coming from, and "yo" may be used if used in the third person.

Genius Hands

Jean Michel Jarre, the greatest genius to ever own hands, has finally been posted on youtube. If you aren’t familiar with the sure awesomeness and virtuosity of Jarre you must be living at the bottom of the sea. Wait… scratch that, you should still be rocking out to Jarre in any pitch-black abyss. For those dead and still not born yet Jarre writes and performs music of the highest caliber. Sounds so rich and vibrate I feel that my pair of ears are not strong enough to fully absorb the true sensation of Jarre. It is my greatest pleasure to let all the unenlightened ones now enjoy Jarre as much as I and the entire population of France have for so…so long. Thus, Jean Michel Jarre...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aibQMYOiofs

To illustrate with more pinpoint accuracy (to the best of my abilities of course, which still doesn’t come within one million miles of the Jarre) here is a clip of an expert pianist covering one of Jarre’s songs. This pianist has spent most of his adult career preparing for this cover. Watch him sweat and push himself to the break of his musical limits. He can barely make it through the first moments. Watch…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V66pMP4nz4

I Smoke Believe You Smoked That

Recently a document of pressing national security was released to the public. The information contained is so incriminating that the CIA used its authority to remove every verb from public view. Hephen Stawking Ph.D. has conducted intensive statistical inference on the English language to determine which verb, if used to replace all dedacted information, would reveal the most information from this document. The following is the document altered to contain the past, present, and future tense of said determined verb.

Dear Mr. President:
My god George, why smoke you have to smoke so much goat last night. You should smoke what you smoke next time. I have never smoked anything more disgusting than you smoking goat. I could hardly contain my smoking afterwards. We need to smoke that again sometime. By the way, I smoked so hard I smoked when I smoke your pet dog smoking in the middle of everything. What a tussle that smoked. You smoking goat, the dog smoking his face in it. I’m smoked you did not just smoke there. But you and I both smoke that good old George can’t stop smoking that delicious goat under any circumstance. I smoke glad you didn’t smoke a disease afterwards. Smoke the mutt and that insatiable appetite of yours.
Yours smoking,
Your damn brother Jeb.

-Reported by bad dog, no biscuit

The CAST RULES!

The Crazy Adventure Speed Team Rests Upon Less Existential Situations.

Allow us to unexplain:

You exist out of randomness.

You are a thermodynamic accident.

You are the product of the aimless.

You sprung, sprang, and continue to spring by the will of chance.

You are the result of exertion, force, pumping, and positions pornographically propositioned by the unwitting laborers that made possible the single random sperm plundering the single random egg following countless generations generated by the exact same (negating a few possible technological differences, i.e. memory foam) circumstances.

You behave in a fashion that has been fashioned out of a series of incidental events.

You have lived out adventitious events.

You will remain purposeless, sporadic, fickle, unintended, RANDOM, and there is nothing you can or cannot do about it.

You have become a part of the continuum.

The continuum is random, and The CAST is random.

You are ruled because The CAST RULES. (so take it!)

Male Suicide Epidemic No End in Sight "Mamma Mia!"

Far gone are the days when Marylin Manson or Evil Dead were thought to instigate the evil hearts in teenagers and those prone to influence. Now we know that a film can have a real impact on the lives of all humans. The world has now finally felt real pains directly related to the entertainment industry. "Mamma Mia," the new hit movie based on the Broadway hit based on hit Abba songs is quickly decreasing the number of males in the world. As reported by BBC world news, in the last three weeks alone, close to one percent of the male population has committed suicide. These suicides are directly related to "Mamma Mia."

John Brosnan, lead researcher for the center for population control studies, spoke to the BBC "These hysterical women come home from the movie all hoped up on estrogen and bad music can't stop repeating what they heard at the cinema. They meet their husband's or boyfriends and can't stop singing the songs they heard. The result is catastrophic. Something like nothing we could have ever predicted. These men, the men that have to endure hours of constant Abba lose any grip of reality. It is only a matter of time before they walk off a cliff or in front of a car or cut each ear off with a machete until they bleed to death. The number of suicides are increasing by the day... increasing exponentially. Abba might well be the death of our whole civilization if we don't quash the problem immediately."

INTERPOL has begun their investigation into the matter. The producer and cast of "Mamma Mia" have been brought in for questioning. Many theaters including Brenden and Cinemark have voluntarily taken the movie off their screens. George W. Bush is scheduled to meet with a slew of world leaders from all different countries to come to an agreement to end this problem. More on this issue as it developes.

Mission Statement

We are compelled to act in principled accordance with the divine randomtivity pulling our brethren to act as apes in conformist metropolis. Most people of the world think about table manners while we think about ways to add birth control to your minestrone soup. Nothing against the unenlightened ones, but you don’t know what it is like to drink water as a sport. You could not possibly comprehend the magnitude of our significance, I can’t even begin to explain the joy of the CAST. That is why we have this blog; even though we could never put into so many words what we are, we can show what we do. Hopefully even the man with a stick up his anus will gain a clearer sense of the CAST.

We all dance about above clear glass, we throw things undefined by society, but most importantly we always end up in a situation we have escaped by means of our speedy nature. Remember, we are also crazy. Never forget this, in fact, anyone associated with the CAST ought to think about his or her own craziness more than sex. There I said it.
Anything above mentioned, or below bellowed is either wrong by decree of the gerbil people, or written in stone in a museum from the future. Eyeballs may be poked harder than your face is loud. Don’t talk back, ever!

The Crazy Adventure Speed Team (CAST) was founded by Brandon Eisenberg and Amy Patten sometime during high school. In an act of utter brilliance Amy used her new cell phone to call Brandon. This prompted a speedy response; prompting a prompt action prompt. After recruiting a number of Jehovah’s witnesses, Kent DZ, El Voce , B, MC Get the Money, The Peter V, Jewish Natan, Fat Tony and others joined on the Cast’s missions. We cannot speak of any of these missions here, but rest assured we will post all missions on the blog.


We are not simply saying randomness has something to do with god, and we stand by its awsome force at attention. We let the random lead us to our own salvation.